Etiquette???

I will begin with what happened...because it started off as a lovely evening walking to the local trendy pizza joint. My family and I went out for dinner and we were engaging in great conversation and enjoying one another's company. The children ordered pizzas and my husband and I ordered salads and soups before the pizzas. The soup and salad never came. Not awful. We didn't really need the calories anyways. When the bill arrived, we asked the waiter to kindly take the soup and salad off as we didn't get these items.

And I watched...

What would be the waiter's response to his mistake? He rushed over to the manager, as he needed authorization to take the items off the bill. I saw them looking our way and speaking in the low and hushed tones that only people who have erred can do.

And I watched...

The waiter never apologized, and as I watched the manager, he made himself busy but also never came over to apologize or offer perhaps a token gesture for the mistakes the very trendy and well-known establishment had made. Instead, we paid our bill and walked out without so much as a kind word.

Who do you think were the parents of these two employees? What did they teach and instill in their children? Who were their teachers when they were growing up? I wondered how my own four children, now ages 10-21, would have responded had they been the employees? As an early childhood professional, I realize that while the children in my care are very young, they are not to young to learn etiquette. Etiquette really is a prescribed set of rules and values that we assign to the many facets of our life. Etiquette dictates how we behave, react, and approach life. Sounds a lot like the Torah! I mean, if you really get down to it, the Torah is nothing more than a set of rules of how to live, a big book of etiquette. It is peppered with stories that illuminate these principles so that those that have a hard time understanding the rules will be able to learn through these stories. And it also tells us that we come from a long line of people who have made mistakes and it was ok as long as they did something about it. So I got to thinking, how would the Torah have taught these two employees to handle the mishap with the ommission of soup and salad? Back in the day, if you sinned, whether by transgression or omission, you begged forgiveness and a sacrifice was in order. I think this was a great idea. Too carry that into the 21st century, and not to offend my neighbors with the awful smell of burning and rotting lamb sacrifices, myrr and incense, I think that a different sacrifice is in order. In the case of the restaurant omission, a sacrifice of a discount, a free dessert for the children, or even something non-monetary would have been in order. In other cases, a phone call, a letter, flowers, or a heartfelt invitation could be in order. The meaning of a sacrifice is that you give up something to show your true feelings.

A sacrifice can actually be therapeutic. How many times have we made a mistake and it causes us anxiety and stress? Offering a sacrifice to make amends has healing properties. We forget to call someone who is sick at home so we send a card of mazal tov on a complete recovery. We forget to follow through on a promise to help a friend so we simply show up on another stressful occasion for them and roll up our sleeves. But how do we teach our youngest children etiquette? How do we bring menschlichkeit back into our world? It starts with me. I would say it starts with you but that would be passing the buck. It starts with me because I am the director of a Jewish preschool and it is incumbant upon me to make sure that the children in my care learn to be appropriate, learn to sacrifice when they have committed a sin of omission, and learn to carry out the well-intentioned promises they will make in their lives. I think the Torah is a great place to start. Stories abound about Abraham welcoming guests and feeding them first, about Moses being humble before God and sticking his nose out for a fellow Jew who was being hurt. It starts with me. I have to be an example for the teachers and families in my center for the menschlichkeit I want them to learn. If a parent is rude and inappropriate, I will be more kind and more appropriate. I will do onto others and I will do more than that. I will go out of my way. It starts with me. I will stick my nose into other people's business if I think they are being harmed or abused. Even if those people are far away in lands I had once never heard of like Sudan and Darfur, I will try to help those less fortunate and will make sacrifices for others and for my own failures.

It starts with me. I am now sharing it with you.

And I am watching...